


let me tell you; since you're so lovely

by zolidarnosc



Category: IZONE (Band)
Genre: F/F, obsessed with this dynamic lately, subtle love is the best love out there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26863795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zolidarnosc/pseuds/zolidarnosc
Summary: minjoo tries to overcome five things about chaewon that so desperately try to keep her from falling out of love.
Relationships: Kim Chaewon (IZONE)/Kim Minju
Comments: 3
Kudos: 67





	1. prelude

-

ethereal.

minjoo startles when she hears footsteps come to an abrupt stop. hands reach for her shoulders and she hits her head against the glass in surprise. “heh, are you feeling sentimental again? the city is gonna look the same no matter how long you look at it, you know.” 

at first, irritation seeps in. but then she sees the cheeky smile on chaewon's face. _ethereal_. 

she frowns and rubs her forehead. “why did you do that, idiot.”

“what, does it hurt that bad?”

minjoo sighs and ignores her. “c'mon, i'm sorry.”

“it's alright,”

but it isn't. 

it isn't. it isn't because in that moment, minjoo realizes she sees chaewon more than just a friend. she sees chaewon more than just her best friend's sister. no, chaewon is more than anything she could allow their relationship to be. 

she shouldn't feel like this. 

so minjoo avoids her for the rest of the party. alcohol in her system to take her mind off things. she dances with the passage of time, music thrumming through her veins with each second. 

the world is forgotten. 

one hour passes, then two, and all of a sudden yuri is stumbling out of the house to get the two of them back to their dorm room. “hey, you're no fun jjoyyul… it's only one thirty...” yuri pays no attention as her voice slurs and drops her in the backseat of chaewon's car.

“damn, if she's such a lightweight, why did she drink so much?”

“i dunno. maybe she's stressed out, about finals and all.”

the scent of vodka and strawberries lulls her into consciousness once they reach their dorm. minjoo barely makes out chaewon's face in the dim lighting. her expression turns sour when it registers in her mind that chaewon is about to leave, and she seems to take it the wrong way. 

“hey, drink some water before you sleep, okay?”

“you're going?”

“yeah, i still have to drop hyewon off at her apartment.”

she nods. yet her hand grasps feebly at chaewon's blazer. chaewon leans closer and her hand is soothing across minjoo's forehead. “i'm sorry about before, i didn't mean to startle you like that. and don't be stressed out, okay? everything will be alright. just give it some time,”

like that, her night fades into darkness. 

sometime, somewhere along her swirling dreams, minjoo decides. 

she has to put aside her feelings for kim chaewon, because kim chaewon is too precious of a person for her life to lose.


	2. i/ii

++

  
  


“it's probably because you see her every day. how do you expect yourself to get over her when you gush over how pretty she looks _every single day,_ ”

minjoo sighs, sprawling across her bed before pulling a pillow close. 

“i don't know, nako… it's not like i can help it…”

“wow. you're so caught up in your feelings for her already.” she doesn't miss the exasperation in nako's tone and feels heat rush to her ears. 

“i meant i can't help seeing her every day! she's weirdly protective of yuri for some reason so i don't have a choice but to see her because yuri and i share the same class in the morning!” her fingers absentmindedly trace _kim chaewon_ on her bedsheets. when she's about to follow up with _kim minjoo,_ yuri makes a bustling entrance into their room. 

“hey, you better not be talking shit about me just because i can't understand japanese!”

“and who is that? is it sakura?”

nako yells _yuri-chan!_ right in her ear. minjoo hands the phone to yuri without another word. she buries her face into the pillows and sighs.

-

“wake up already! we have to walk to class today and i really don't think half an hour is long enough for us to be on time.”

through groggy eyes, minjoo spots yuri shoving toast into her face. “what do you mean we have to walk… won't chaewon pick us up like um, every other day?” 

yuri rolls her eyes. she comes over to minjoo's bed and practically rips the covers off of her. “she's busy.”

oh. 

the words leave an impression stronger than she would like. minjoo tries to avoid the dull throb _she's busy_ brings in her heart. “so get the fuck up and get ready! what are you moping around for?!”

what feeling could you call this?

the longing for something inexplicable. 

minjoo doesn't understand why she thinks of chaewon—constantly, constantly seems like the only appropriate word—throughout the day. 

throughout the day and the days that follow because chaewon is busy for the entire week. 

and it just feels out of place.

a dullness fills her chest in the mornings. she wishes chaewon is thinking of her as much as she is because wow, her thoughts are about chaewon for an awfully long amount of time. 

she can't talk about how much she wants to see chaewon, or see her somehow look stunning no matter what she wears, or listen to her lame jokes. yuri's awful humour just doesn't hit the same way.

what feeling could this be?

infatuation, maybe. 

infatuation.

when chaewon shows up the next week, a demanding pound on their door with her piercing voice waking her up, she feels like _it_ just clicks again. 

on a bleak wednesday morning she comes as a relief, or perhaps a reassurance. 

what could it be about kim chaewon that makes this lifeless winter morning so vibrant? why does her mood lift simply because of chaewon's presence?

“well. did you miss me?”

yuri does a one over on her, not bothering to hide her disgust. “ew. why would we do that.” 

(she ignores how attractive the way chaewon rolls her eyes is.) 

“minjoo, you must've missed me a little, right?”

“what?”

“i mean, you hate waking up early and you hate walking so…”

“oh, yeah. well, i guess i missed you just a tiny, little, miniscule amount. don't let it get to your head.”

chaewon scoffs but minjoo catches the smile on her face.

_it's the winter heat;_ nothing more. winter heat dusting across her cheeks, tips of her ears and rushing through her veins. 

_infatuation_.

it could be.

when chaewon drops by their dorm a day after that in the evening after she dyes her hair a flashy pink, she wants her to leave without a word. it would shatter her ego if chaewon were to even laugh or chuckle at her. and chaewon leaves without a word — _almost_ — she _almost_ leaves without a word. 

if she did then it wouldn't be a “kim chaewon” thing. a “kim chaewon” thing, like letting a sly smile creep into her face as minjoo closes the door behind her, turning to face her and saying without any hesitation; “you look good with your pink hair, minjoo. but just a tiny, little, miniscule amount better.” and then, leave, leaving minjoo with a blank expression on her face.

she wonders.

is it infatuation?

  
  


//

  
  


is it _only_ infatuation?

obviously not. 

because only infatuation wouldn't make her feel this way. 

during winter break, yuri and chaewon decided to visit home and offered minjoo to come with. she declined: they do so much for her already and it would be intruding to stay with their family for two weeks. plus, it wouldn't hurt for her to have the dorm all to herself without yuri pestering her all the time. 

but: maybe it isn't as good as it seems. on the surface, she gets to have some time to herself and chill, but she failed to see the repercussions of this unimportant act. 

minjoo seldom remembers that chaewon and yuri come from the countryside in busan. busan, where the nights are much colder compared to seoul and are too much for jo yuri's immune system to take. 

yuri catches a fever, and minjoo discovers that two weeks is all it takes to draw a clear line between infatuation and her growing feelings for chaewon. 

for two weeks, minjoo spends her mornings with chaewon and chaewon alone. 

“it's okay, yuri. i'll just walk to class until you get better. it's not a big de—” 

“shut up and go with chaewon, she won't mind. it's minus degrees outside and you think you can walk? dumbass…” 

minjoo heaves a sigh. 

persuading chaewon isn't any easier, if not harder. it seems like obstinacy runs in the family. 

“you're not just offering out of… pity, right?”

“what? what do you mean?”

minjoo waits for realization to paint itself across chaewon's face but it doesn't. chaewon still has her eyebrows ever so slightly scrunched up, eyes full of confusion and a barely noticeable frown. “forget it. it's getting late, anyways. let's go!”

ten minutes. 

the weight of ten minutes. chaewon takes ten minutes seriously. 

everyday, chaewon asks her pointless questions. she doesn't know why. nonetheless, she answers. 

_“what's your favourite song?”_

_“when did you realize you wanted to be a business major?”_

_“do you like summer more or winter more?”_

and chaewon demands an explanation for each of her answers. how exactly can she explain why _fun!_ is her favourite song? and with her explanations chaewon asks more questions. it's strange. 

there's something in her eyes when she asks these questions. like she wants to see beyond what minjoo shows. beyond her surface. beyond what the world sees. and something about that is unsettling in minjoo's heart. 

on the fifth day of yuri's absence, she musters up the courage to ask a question of her own. 

“what do you do when you're free?”

again, she looks at her with _something_ in her eyes. minjoo can't answer. “why do you ask me all these questions?”

a flurry of situations pass through her mind. like the unraveling of a knot, chaewon brings her imagination to a halt with a cheeky smile. “i dunno. i just want to understand you more.”

“what do you mean by that?”

with the quirk of her brow. fading winter breezes filling in the silence between them. deceleration, and the click of her seatbelt. “well, it's kinda simple, right? i want to know you better;”

it's not.

she doesn't know what to make of that.

//

_alone._

_the season goes._

minjoo embraces the feeling of loneliness. having spent her childhood overseas with a bunch of kids she now considers her family, she knows that loneliness will only disappear when she's in the company of her loved ones again. 

she tries to soothe her melancholy. _it's only a few more days, anyway._ if she can pull through a few more days, she'll get this internship. 

but being alone in an unfamiliar country; unfamiliar people speaking an unfamiliar language: she can't help the feeling of dread that encompasses each passing moment. it's frustrating. unable to convey what she feels. unnerving silence in her quaint hotel room. 

_190203._

she sighs. 

missed calls from yuri, nako and hitomi. her hands run down her face. minjoo didn't think a time would come for her to spend her birthdays alone again. 

_unsettling_.

she's only human. 

she can't help but feel this way.

-

yuri was the first one to call her. she told minjoo not to mope around and spend her twentieth birthday locked up in her room. yuri doesn't call her a dumbass (“because it's your birthday,”) when she tells her that the interview is today and she'd have to leave her room sometime or the other. then, hitomi and nako facetime her. it's a shame they can't be with her when it's such a special day for them. they tell her to be strong, to do well on her interview and visit them when she's on a break. 

it's a nice day.

a pleasant temperature, the cusp of spring treading through the air. picturesque clouds across blue skies. a passerby smiled at her as she rushed to her interview and it made her feel good for a while. 

the interview went pretty well, or at least she thought it did. minjoo managed to buy a slice of cake at the bakery across her hotel and oh, nothing matches the taste of butterscotch after a long day. 

a sigh leaves her being. sinking into the pillows, the weight of today takes over her. 

  
  


a knock on the door lulls her awake.

she swears it's drowsiness that blinds her rational thoughts. minjoo doesn't think much before opening it. (not a good thing to do, by the way.)

?

“happy birthday!” her voice is clear and excited but minjoo is distracted by the confetti that falls upon the two of them. chaewon waits with a huge smile on her face for a reaction.

she manages a confused smile as she sees chaewon's expression fall. 

“chae, what are you doing here?”

“oh, uh…”

she stuffs the confetti in her hands back into her pockets and laces her fingers. “well, yuri reminded me that it's your birthday soon and that you were all alone in taiwan and it just so happened that me and my friends came here on like a little trip, y'know? so… yeah!”

she doesn't know what to say. chaewon has a party hat (the strap accentuates her cheeks and it's so cute,) glitter, and the suspicion that she should've told minjoo that she was coming on her face. it hits her like a wave and tears well up. 

“um, you know them! it's hyewon, yena and ch—”

neither of them likes skinship. that doesn't stop her from wrapping her arms around chaewon's shoulders and somehow hoping that her gratitude gets through to the older girl. chaewon smells like baby powder and it reminds her of her home. secure.

it feels complete, when chaewon dusts her hands of any remaining glitter and hugs her back.

maybe it would be nice if time would stop, just like this. 

maybe if the world would pause, just for the two of them. 

maybe if this moment would last forever.

//

and slowly, as another year passes i realize

these are the last moments between you and i

head clouded with rosy pink feelings of you

my mind tells me to stop me scandalous crime

one star too far to claim as mine

and slowly, you busy yourself with your compromises

slowly, i watch as your time weaves itself out of mine

this situation is perfection 

perhaps i should finally put aside my quiet heartbeats

that only grow at the sight of you.

but how could i?

when your smile is something close to divinity

could i?

when your voice rings in the depths of me

when you are so you, how could i stop myself from feeling all these feelings that make me feel so frustrated as my aching for you fails to fade away;

should i tell you?

since you're so lovely, 

i think how it would be if you were thinking of me

i think how you still have this hold on me

i think, gazing at you and your reflections

but you're so lovely

i wonder if the weight of my heavy heart could ever reach you

i wonder if i could tell you my truth.

//

the bonfire doesn't help much. 

it's not her fault for coming to the beach in proper beach attire, is it? even yuri came in shorts and a tank top. they just didn't have foresight. 

minjoo thought it would be a good idea to spend new year's eve at the beach, just chilling with her friends without a worry in the world. no exams, no assignments, (no kim chaewon,) no stress, to put simply. but she forgets that where jo yuri is, there kang hyewon will be and where kang hyewon is, there kim chaewon will be. 

and with those two is the entirety of their senior class turning yuri and minjoo's peaceful new year's eve chill session to a full on party raging till midnight. 

it's stupid. 

yuri and hyewon are cuddled up in her duffle coat. if their one objective was to flex their relationship on everyone else tonight, they're acing at it. 

the music is loud. how they managed to persuade the shack owners to play music she doesn't know, but now she has to listen to taylor swift's music into 2020. 

it’s too cold for these college students to be dancing the way they are. it’s too extreme. no moderation. no neutrality.

she hates the end of the year, every year. she hates the way it ends, unbearably cold. it ends with unresolved issues and feelings. it ends with buried promises of becoming a better person.

“well, isn’t this the perfect finish to 2019?” chaewon tells her sarcastically as she sits in front of the fire. stealing a quick glance at yuri and hyewon, she masks her disgust and smiles at her. “a shitty end to a shitty year, i think.”

she chuckles. minjoo notices how she’s underdressed for the night.

“yuri and i were having fun… why’d you guys trash our perfectly nice evening?”

“don’t tell me you thought yuri’d spend her new years with you instead of hyewon,”

a glare and chaewon plays it easy. an easy laugh, an easy smile. that’s all that chaewon gives.

“word spread around too fast and it resulted in _this_ ,”

her palm spreads to the sea and the crowd obscuring it. “yena’s fault, mostly.”

it would be nice to see the moon reflected in the sea. it’s a new moon day, however.

she tsks at not catching a glimpse of the moon before the new year started.

“aren’t you cold?”

“what do you think?”

kim chaewon feels easy.

chaewon scoots over next to her. slowly takes her hands into her own, and sighs. “y’know, they say cold hands have a warm heart.”

“you mean cold hands, warm heart?”

“yeah, that.”

minjoo bites back a smile. “what do i make of your warm hands, then?”

“um... for a pair of cold hands there should be a pair of warm ones, don’t you think?”

ironically, heat rushes to her ears. she barely notices the countdown from 10.

“happy new years, kim minjoo.” 

she mirrors the grin on chaewon’s face. “happy new years, kim chaewon.”

they stay like that for a while. chaewon tries to make out the million thoughts running through minjoo’s mind as they remain unexpressed through furrowed brows, lip bites and sighs.

they stay like that for a while. watching the dark of the night contrast orange flames. feeling the cold, the heat. the warmth of her.

_“the moon looks beautiful tonight;”_

“what? what language is that?”

“it’s japanese, i was just admiring the moon.”

“oh, yeah.”

she looks confused. before chaewon can get her question in, she rests her head on her shoulder. 

like that, no questions are asked.

they stay like that for a while.

they simply, stay like that for a while.


	3. ii/ii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chaewon ponders. her life, her struggles, her job and kim minjoo.

+++

  
  


_“we just wanna have some fun!”_

  
  


chaewon thinks nothing of the new year. it feels nothing like a holiday. there is nothing new about the new year: she knows she will break empty promises, she'll get disappointed for breaking her promises and fall into a cycle of self hatred. 

no new resolutions. 

but maybe, this year will be different. 

the weather is nice. cloudy, a little cold. she feels nice. maybe it's because of the song she blasts on the stereo. 

maybe because the start of a decade feels promising. 

yuri slams the door shut.

“hey.”

“hey. good morning.” _promising._ yuri's one over of her doesn't bring her spirits down. “where's minjoo?”

“oh, she left. i think it's a new year's resolution or something, like to walk to class every day.

“no, she said something about leaving 2019 in the past and looking forward to the future—i don't know, you know how she gets sentimental outta nowhere…”

“oh.” 

chaewon turns the stereo down. 

  
  
  


_leaving 2019 in the past?_

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


_what is beauty?_

what is _sorry, chaewon, but your music sounds soulless_ supposed to mean? chaewon didn't spend four years slaving away at college just to be told that her music sounds like shit, did she? how do you make a _beautiful_ piece? what did _beauty_ sound like? 

it really shouldn't be the most pressing thing on her mind now. she's supposed to be happy now. she's supposed to be turning a new leaf in her life. claps erupt in the audience when another student receives her diploma, chaewon looks down on her own. 

_soulless?_

then what was the point of this piece of paper? 

what was the point of her four year struggle? 

now what?

_what was the point of it all?_

“you're finally free!” yuri's hands press down on her shoulders, squeezing them just until she yelps in pain. chaewon frowns at their parents when yuri puts her in a headlock and sinks her fingernails into the girl's skin when they simply laugh at the sight in front of them. “how are you feeling?”

horrible. 

disappointed. 

unhappy. 

anything but okay.

“i feel alright, kinda sad now that i'm leaving college for good.”

leaving without the satisfaction of knowing she learnt something. that she has a point to prove. _soulless._ seems like she doesn't have anything to prove after all. 

she hopes they don't see through her half-hearted smile. 

  
  
  


after a few more pictures, yuri pretending not to shed tears and her dad reprimanding her because _you have to be good to your younger sister_ , chaewon spots minjoo in the corner of the auditorium, busy congratulating hyewon and yena. when they meet eyes, something about that pretty smile minjoo conjures so effortlessly puts her heart at peace. 

minjoo has always been pretty. the same pretty voice, saying her name in sweetness, pretty smile reaching pretty eyes when chaewon pulls her in for a hug.

it's been months since she had the opportunity to have kim minjoo's presence right in front of her, like this. with the stress from her exams, her professor criticizing her work without remorse and countless rejected job applications, there just wasn't enough time for chaewon to spend with anyone else but herself. 

but she can't help but wonder. 

was minjoo as busy as she was?

was that why her replies to each message were curt, short, un-minjoo-like in every way they could be? was that why minjoo couldn't spare a few hours for her (and yuri and hyewon) on the days she was free? it must be. minjoo isn't the kind of person to avoid people out of the blue, right?

chaewon chortles at the sight of the bouquet in minjoo's hands. how could she doubt minjoo at all, how can she doubt this girl whose eyebrows shoot up, wanting consolation, when she complains of the struggles she went through to get these flowers for her? 

“i had to wake up at seven, y'know! i even picked these out myself.”

with practised ease, chaewon smiles, her hand patting the back of minjoo's head. “thanks, min. i really appreciate it.”

she doesn't understand why the corners of minjoo's lips hesitate to tug upwards. something's not right. this isn't the look she expects to see in her eyes. 

“do you think i should introduce hyewon? she said she's ready and all but…” yuri tells her, she loses her focus on minjoo to shoot her an incredulous look. “i dunno, are you guys that serious already?”

minjoo isn't in front of her anymore. lost, somewhere in the sea of metal chairs and sobbing families. “i guess…”

  
  


_Can we meet up once before you leave campus, hmm?_

she frowns at the message.

“lemme go ask her.”

chaewon's eyes fail to find minjoo's. 

_Okay?_

lost, somewhere.

_Sure._

  
  


-

  
  


at the start of college, kim minjoo used to despise coffee with a burning passion. she wonders when the girl's taste changed. chaewon insists on paying because _c'mon, i'm not gonna mooch off pretty girls like that_ and _why would you treat me when i'm older than you,_ the order rolls of her tongue in ease. two americanos, extra cream, a little more sugar in hers. 

it's hard to discern the balance in minjoo's smile — to tell when the quirk of the lips upwards is genuine, when it isn't.

_did you write your exams well?_

now?

_yeah, i did but all of them rejected me._ the concern is real. the comfort. yet why does it seem like she holds back? _focus hard this year, okay? don't let any hyewons distract you the way she distracts yuri._

chaewon's coffee is sweeter than usual. maybe their orders got mixed up. 

“chaewon.”

it's real. 

_is it really?_

“i…

“i used to like you. like not as friends but… more than that.” 

“...why are you telling me now?”

“i, i want closure—for, for myself, i mean. i hope… when i'm ready, i hope we can stay friends…”

“do you still have… feelings for me?”

she nods. “oh.”

minjoo likes her. minjoo likes her? minjoo liked her.

_minjoo liked her?_

_since when?_

not much is said. she doesn't mean to make it awkward, but it comes naturally as a consequence. what is chaewon supposed to make of that? what could minjoo expect her to say? _thanks? but why me though? why didn't you just tell me earlier?_ and what difference would it make if she told her earlier? would anything change at all? 

it would be a year and a half before she sees minjoo again. maybe if she knew it'd take them that long to meet again, she wouldn't let this farewell end in a hesitant hug, a hesitant smile and the countless questions running through her mind. 

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


struggle is a sign of life. 

there is meaning in struggle. 

there must be some meaning in these platitudes. otherwise, there would be no point to her struggle. no point in anything she does. there must be some meaning, because somehow, she gets through the day. days. she reminds herself once again. 

_struggle is a sign of life._

what would a life full of struggles be, then? 

to have a good career, she'd have to live in seoul. not busan. not with her parents who'd provide her with a roof to sleep under, food to eat, luxury given unasked, luxury given because it's their responsibility. not in busan where the summers are hotter and winters are colder than the norm. in seoul, concrete jungle, cold hearts. 

oh, how to live in a city that has struggles in every corner you turn to. chaewon needs to get a good job, live in a single apartment, earn money and somehow everything else would work out.

good job. money. a solo life. 

everything else will work out. 

ever since she was a child, chaewon had the romantic fantasy of making an impact on the world by becoming an influential person. regardless of being in a positive or negative light, she would change the world somehow. the world would know who she is, somehow. as she grew older, the thought seemed more unrealistic: facing the harsh truth that she wasn't as remarkable as she thought herself to be, understanding that fame is born out of sheer luck more than anything else, knowing that no matter how famous she would be in the idealistic little world of her imagination, she would be forgotten one day; nothing lasts forever. 

life is never the daydreams she dreams in idle moments. life is harsh, life is the situations we are born into, the environment we grow up in. life is not a romantic fantasy.

her first job is quite a handful, quite nice for her parents to brag about to nosy relatives. _my daughter works in JYPE, you know?_

_wow, she must be really talented to be working there right after college…_

_of course. she's my daughter after all,_

but they omit the part where she's just an intern running errands for the actual producers, acting as an assistant to the real music makers more than anything else. the pay is meagre. not enough to get her an apartment of her own. she succumbs to sharing a three bedroom apartment with three other people, a third of her salary taken away to pay for rent. seoul is an expensive city, running on billions of won and the dissatisfaction of its citizens. 

her roommates are eccentric. then again, they must think the same of her. a sixteen year old who ran away from home to ‘experience life like a normal person’. must be a rich snobby brat rebelling just 'cause she can, what kind of sixteen year old needs to experience life? they should concentrate more on school, idols, dating, whatever. twenty five year old aspiring actress with a horrible sense of humour. a twenty year old japanese girl studying in korea for reasons she never asked about. never speaks more than necessary. 

they don't seem to be bad people. chaewon ends up getting a room of her own, (rock will always win, no matter what) as does nako (it's obvious the next choice will be paper. at least she's smart enough to play scissors instead). eunbi and wonyoung share a bunk bed and the thought of the nine year age gap with their height difference amuses her when she sees them together. 

she wonders. do these misfits have struggles of their own? of course. why wouldn't they? everyone in the world is struggling, every point of their life sums up to an immense struggle. 

for what, salvation? chaewon does not have the answers. 

the first few months are always hard, to live in a new space with new personalities, to be shoved into a way of life completely different from her systematic college schedule. it's hard, because the beginning of anything is always hard—it must be a golden rule of life. the first step to anything is the hardest or whatever. 

there are disagreements in the apartment as expected. 

chaewon is not one to cause or be involved in conflict, but when a conflict emerges in the space around her, she can't help but want to resolve it somehow. it's annoying how people are full of pride and bullshit and aren't willing to hear the other person out.

it's just so much easier to accept things the way they are. 

chaewon is a laid-back person. she doesn't anger when wonyoung lashes out at her for leaving the dishes uncleaned one night, because she knows her anger doesn't stem from her actions. she's proven right a few days later when the girl comes seeking comfort in her, tears in her eyes, questioning herself, wondering if she took the right decision. 

she doesn't take it to heart when nako sulks because of her for a day and a half for forgetting her birthday. one promise of ice cream is all it takes to get nako to smile at her again. 

life should be hard because of situations, not people. it's hard at her job, because she's the newest intern there and she has to suck up to each and every person above her. days pass by in a haze. 

days pass by in quiet insecurity. 

she knows her music isn't good enough. she remains uncertain about how good it actually is. 

how do you measure art?

how can you discern what is good, what is not? does she want to maintain credibility as an artist or pump out bangers that'll be sold to a popular idol and relish in the royalties? 

does a piece need to sound beautiful to be good? does it need to have soul to be good? how much of her emotions should she pour into it for it to be a success and to have artistic integrity? 

  
  


no answers.

  
  


it is hard.

life is a struggle.

and at times, it feels like the only reason to get through today is the anticipation of finding a better reason tomorrow.

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


after the first few months, everything is a bit easier. autumn breezes are light on her heart, the sunlight is pleasant each morning and she makes sure to bask in it for ten minutes everyday. 

she isn't the newest employee at work anymore. 

no, now it's na goeun who has a pretty laugh to match her pretty face and chaewon makes sure not to make it as hard for her as she had it. it is kinda annoying to see her coworkers pick on her for no reason whatsoever but that's just the way things are: all she can offer in compensation is a gentle smile and softer words than the others. autumn is warm and cold, her life runs systematically now, an old tune plays on her lips as eunbi teeters in front of her with a grin on her face.

“chae, guess what!”

“what?”

“no, you have to guess.”

“hm.”

she cups her chin.

“did that barista finally text you?”

her face falls when she reminds her of her failed attempts at flirting with the barista at the coffee shop across their apartment. “no, i'm pretty sure she didn't see it… i mean… i wouldn't look at customers' napkins if i were a barista either…”

“then? what happened?”

“i got casted in a drama!”

“oh, that's great!”

“it's a minor role on a jtbc show… i don't know, i just feel so excited that i'm finally going to be on the _silver screen,_ y'know? i'm so happy,”

she smiles when eunbi pinches her cheek. it's embarrassing to say it out loud, so chaewon hopes her smile conveys _wow, i'm really really happy for you._ how long must she have waited, how much has she endured for this minor role on a jtbc show. she's been pursuing a career as an actor for almost eight years, _eight._ the magnitude of her passion is something chaewon can't even imagine. how much patience must she have to get through eight years with little progress in her career, a career she wanted because she simply loved doing it? she loved acting. the meaning to her struggle is art, is it not? 

is it? 

could one love art that much? 

eunbi is a sentimental person. she feels the seasons for what they are, if they are anything in the first place. she embraces rainy days with a pensive mood. sunny days she's cheerful. autumn days are spent in silent contemplation of thoughts chaewon cannot begin to guess. 

it's reminiscent of something, someone. ten minutes of winter seep in to be forgotten the next moment. 

the weather is pleasant these days, so eunbi seems to be in a good mood. chaewon is not that sentimental of a person. even the nice weather can't stop her frustration. she drags her fingers across the keyboard of her laptop, her thoughts reflected in the gibberish on the screen. it still sounds the same, soulless. “you should take things easy, chaewon.”

even her voice is level, like the brown of autumn. “huh?” she looks at her, confused. the unevenness of her melody runs through her mind, eunbi smiles slightly, face relaxed, bringing a hand to her tense shoulders. “take it easy.”

her chuckle doesn't match the furrow of her brows. there's a mellow to her voice when she says _i am?_ and eunbi chortles. 

are you?

just take it easy, chae. don't stress out too much. everything gets better with time anyway, so you don't have to worry. 

she plays it off nodding, an easygoing smile. 

  
  


-

  
  


“drink up, c'mon, the night isn't getting any younger!” she meets eyes with a colleague who is too shitfaced to notice chaewon's awkward hesitance. the colleague joins in with her boss, urging her to down another shot and before more people join in to put her in the spotlight, she swallows down harshly, a bitter taste spreading in her mouth. 

they cheer for her and move on to picking on the couple of the night — both producers, they were getting married and decided to throw a party for the entire team in celebration. of course, chaewon is not one to turn down free drinks and it would help to build a sense of camaraderie. watching red, flushed faces instead of the serious ones she sees at work is refreshing, the drunken mumbling instead of commanding tones amuses her for a while. 

she can hold her alcohol pretty well, so she downs another glass of soju and joins in on the laughter from the group after teasing the groom. 

“and they were dating all this time, right under our noses! i wonder if anyone else is in a secret relationship here, hm? maybe kang soobin and kim leehyuk? he panics all the time around her! and he gives her googly eyes when she's not looking, it's so..!”

“what about kim chaewon? no one would let a pretty girl like her remain single for sure…” 

“park hwayoung had a crush on her when she first joined!” someone shouts and chaewon shakes her head, ears coloured red from the sudden attention. park hwayoung's eyes widen at the statement and he covers the someone's mouth with a firm hand. another bout of laughter. “don't tell me you're in a secret relationship too, kim chaewon! about five hearts would break if you said that now,” her boss chuckles to himself. “no mr. lee, i'm not…”

almost everyone gets properly wasted in the next few hours and thank god that her tolerance is better compared to her colleagues, she'll never have to embarrass herself in front of them because wow, they're all such dead-weights. as she waits for her cab to come in front of the bar, there's a hot hand feebly grasping her shoulder. “woah, goeun, are you okay?” 

the woman stumbles into her embrace in a clumsy move, her weight on chaewon's front as she struggles to support herself upright. goddamn, why do people drink if they're so bad at drinking? “you're so nice, _chaewon-ssi,_ why are you so nice?”

teary eyes stare into hers. she blinks in confusion. “you even smell so nice, so kind…”

“chaewon has a pretty face,good personality, pleasant voice, maybe that's why…”

the woman bites her lips and holds back tears, her grip at the base of chaewon's shirt tightens. wait, why is she crying? she isn't that good at comforting people so all she does is pat her back in a rhythm, uttering _don't cry, why are you crying?_ in a slightly panicked tone. 

“i like _chaewon-ssi_ so much. i want to date her…”

  
  


-

  
  


autumn turns into winter soon enough. winter mornings are spent smiling at her girlfriend when they clock in at work and holding hands when no one is looking. there is no need for them to be discreet about their relationship but it feels wrong to openly flex the fact that they're dating on everyone else at work. goeun kisses her everyday right before they leave as the sun sets and she heads home with a smile after that. 

it's not that she wants to hide her girlfriend from the world, it's just that she never has the opportunity to tell anyone about her. she can't mention it at work. none of her roommates really care, if they spend time together they end up going to goeun's — single — apartment instead. 

she won't tell her family unless they've been dating for a solid four months at least and it's only been a month so far. and now that she thinks of it, she hasn't really made any friends in seoul… 

if the time comes, she'll definitely make it known she has a girlfriend. 

now, well, now she just comes home after cuddles and watching a movie at her apartment with the aftertaste of mint chocolate in her mouth. it's pretty late. she doesn't expect for anyone to be awake, so she tries to shuffle quietly into her room. 

nako is on the couch. she speaks in a comforting tone but chaewon can't understand japanese so she doesn't know what the girl is saying. 

then she exclaims a familiar name and switches to korean. 

wait, she doesn't mean to eavesdrop but this all sounds _way_ too familiar to be a mere coincidence. then, probably 'cause the signal is weak in their apartment, she calls out this name three times. minjoo? does nako know minjoo? kim minjoo?

“nako,”

“hm?”

“do you know… was that minjoo? SNU, business major? kim minjoo?”

“yeah, how did you know? do you know her?” 

“i went to the same college, you know yuri, right? i'm her sister,”

“oh,” nako rubs her eyes, chaewon thinks sleep is settling in until she looks at her in disbelief. “yuri's sister… you're yuri's sister?”

a nod. nako's surprise disappears. “why, did minjoo say anything about me?” the cheeky smile on her face doesn't match nako's. “yeah, she mentioned you once or twice,” and she chuckles. “how do you know minjoo? is she doing well? or is she stressed out and drinking again?"

“we grew up together, we're practically family… oh, and she is stressed, this being her last year and all, y'know… someone just needs to remind her it'll be alright,”

it feels nice to think about it. college and all. it's a warm night. something about dwelling on the past feels nice. 

  
  


-

  
  


“you're finally free!”

chaewon exclaims when yuri finally comes over to her, bashful as black robes sway and the graduate cap almost slips off her head. she hits her shoulder with a limp wrist. yuri is always shy and embarrassed in these kinds of situations. she laughs when the girl hugs her and buries her face in the crook of her neck, ears red and mumbling shut up. 

their parents couldn't make it because they were too busy involving themselves in their cousin's wedding plans and she had to drive all the way from busan to here. the four and half hour long drive wasn't exactly pleasant but at least yuri'd keep her company on the way back. “you feeling good?”

“yeah.” 

“um, hye said congratulations…” she rolls her eyes. “did she now?” it wasn't a good break-up, so it seems. ah, no. not a break-up. they're taking a break or something? that's what hyewon told her. she doesn't know all the details but it seems like they're going through a rough patch. “let's not… how's your job going? did you meet jyp?” 

“what? no, don't be stupid.”

“i mean, maybe, who knows.”

chaewon's eyes scour the crowd.

“where's minjoo?” 

“oh. she left.”

“so soon?” 

she scoffs. “you're like an hour late.”

“oh.” 

“i guess she left the dorm early too.”

yuri heaves and slams the trunk shut. “she has a friend living in seoul, she picked her up and i think she'll stay with her for a while.” 

life is a divine game. oh, how ridiculous this is. she can't tell if the universe is doing this on purpose or if it's just, it's just like that. is it really cosmic intervention stopping her from seeing kim minjoo? kim minjoo staying in her very apartment and she won't get a glimpse of her pretty face. no, it's plain ridiculous. she laughs to herself at the end of yuri's sentence, not minding the strange look she gives her. “what?”

“nothing, it's just… nothing.”

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


struggle is a sign of life, but no life can be full of struggles. no. there are countless experiences to experience in life, there are countless moments, even if they are forgotten by the fragile human mind, they exist, they existed, and will continue to exist no matter what. life is not something to be described with ‘is’, it's too vast, too broad. too many answers, and no way to know which one is right. 

regardless.

one year and a half. she quit her job at JYPE to work as an actual composer in a relatively small company. goeun was sad that they wouldn't get to see each other every day now but at least she was doing what she actually wanted. things do not get better by each day, but rather after days passing by in a blink. her compositions feel a bit more grounded. real. like it's something that is kim chaewon's and kim chaewon's only. all these notes, the emotions behind each beat of the track, all of them belong to her. 

wonyoung moved out about three months ago, promising her to repay all the compassion chaewon gave when she was struggling. she said there was no need to repay her for anything but wonyoung is stubborn and it is not easy to change a seventeen year old's mind. eunbi got casted in a few more roles and with the extra money, she expected the woman to move out but she didn't. not yet, at least. nako plans on doing a master's degree in korea and it took one year and a half, from her graduation to now to grasp where exactly her life is going. 

  
  


chaewon meets goeun's friends in a nightclub that they frequent at, and she's pretty sure she passes the friend check. like, chaewon is a pretty girl, has a charming smile, knows what to say, when to say it and who to say it to, so it's not a surprise. they like her. that's good. she can't believe it took them what, six months? to meet but sometimes things just don't work out. of course, she has to introduce goeun to her own friends someday since they've been pestering her about it ever since she told them but it's hard for all of them to meet up. 

the music resounds in her ears and she winces when her temples throb with the beat. 

it is then.

this was just a whimsical meet-up plan, goeun only told her about it yesterday. she didn't even put much thought to it. it's whimsical. not planned out. almost impulsive. but somehow, it adds up to this moment when she spots kim minjoo at the far end of the counter. it is then that she catches a glimpse after a year and a half. minjoo isn't one to use social media, and she changed her number after college. 

“babe, i'll be back in a moment, okay?” goeun nods, she's slightly buzzed from the alcohol and chaewon presses a kiss to the side of goeun's head before approaching her. 

  
  


“long time no see, minjoo.”

she sees the woman's eyes widen in surprise at the sudden voice and she steps forward so she's right beside minjoo. minjoo brings a hand to her chest to calm herself down. surprise etched onto her face. “chaewon..!”

“hey.” she breathes a laugh. 

“hey, hi! yeah, long time no see…”

“you're here alone?”

“no, it's, my co-workers wanted to do a little thing together, since it's the weekend and all, i'm just waiting for someone i like to show up,

“what about you?”

“oh, i'm here with my,” she stretches her neck to catch sight of goeun before meeting minjoo's gaze. “girlfriend.”

“oh, that's nice.”

she doesn't know if it's ethically and morally correct to think this or not, but beauty is beauty, no matter what. minjoo looks even prettier than before. her features more defined, sharp, if that was even possible. no dimples greet her the way they used to, but of course. it's been so long. she can't be that greedy. “hey, i didn't get to congratulate you on graduation day,”

so she sticks a hand out formally and minjoo laughs. “you were late, to be fair. yuri kept complaining about it.” and minjoo shakes her hand with a lax grip. maybe she would speak a little more if it weren't for minjoo's friend (?) intervening, stopping their conversation in the middle. the middle of what? she doesn't know. it felt like it could go a little further than that, though. 

she wants to keep in contact but it isn't appropriate to ask for another girl's number with her girlfriend and her friends right in the vicinity, so she doesn't. 

  
  
  


_(“my sister's…_

_“my friend, we went to college together.”)_

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


lovesick.

some things are not meant to be. 

chaewon has had her heart broken five times in her entire life. each time, it hurts the same way it hurts, each time, she doubts where exactly it went wrong. 

why does it always fizzle out? 

are some things really not meant to be? is her soulmate out there waiting for her love? do some people just not match with each other? 

whatever it is. no answer would help this dull feeling in her chest. 

she hates the _sorry, it's just not working out anymore_ break-ups the most. they're like an excuse of a break-up. the easy way out. it's not fair. goeun started and ended their relationship at her own will. because _sorry chae, it's just not working out anymore._ how fucking stupid. and chaewon thought she had a chance at something real. 

_maybe we're just not meant to be._

“what does that even mean? meant to be for what? _what?!_ who the fuck is deciding who's meant to be and who's not? am i that boring, hye? i'm not, right? i thought we went well together, i don't get why she broke up with me…” 

“let it go, chae. if you're broken up you're broken up, you can't do anything about it. maybe she was just tired of being in a relationship or something… does it even matter anymore? i'm sure you'll find someone better for you.”

“yeah, i didn't like her anyways,” yena butts in, “something about her vibes was off.” 

chaeyeon shoots yena a look of disgust before grabbing the glass from her hand and stashing it away. “c'mon, how long will you mope over her. it's been two weeks, get a grip already.”

“yeah, but how do i forget seven months together in two weeks,”

“we came here to have fun, not see you cry over a girl who doesn't deserve you, chaewon! now stop drinking and let's go have some fun!”

they already had all the fun they could have like two or three years ago. god knows why yena thought coming to taiwan _again_ would be a good idea. _because nostalgia feels good and we don't have to stress out over assignments and exams now!_ right. now they only have to stress out over their jobs and their lives. no big deal. 

  
  
  


chaewon doesn't know, but she has broken exactly seven hearts in her entire life. two exes and four because of unrequited love. the thing is, she isn't sure if she's broken kim minjoo's heart or not. 

she seldom thinks of the confession because she doesn't know what to feel when she thinks of it. she can't believe it, to be honest. sure, chaewon knows she's pretty and charming and blah, but minjoo seems a bit out of her league. why would she like someone like kim chaewon? 

she thinks of minjoo, because nostalgia feels good. if she thought about her before, it'd be microcheating, maybe. but she can think of her now.

what would she do if minjoo told her earlier?

how long did minjoo like her? since when? why did she not even give chaewon the chance to think about it? and if she thought about it, would things be different? 

did she ever like minjoo, unconsciously? 

why didn't she just tell her instead of suffering all by herself?

  
  


-

  
  


she may be good at drinking, but chaewon can _not_ get through hangovers without a bottle full of water and two pills in her system. it's sunny today. the sunlight is a good excuse for her to wear her sunglasses and hide away her puffy eyes. as compensation for ruining the mood last night she just lets her friends drag her to all the places they planned on seeing today. 

they probably chose the worst places, though. all of them are single so what's the point in going to a love lock bridge to wish for something? as far as she knows, only couples come here. are they forcing her to get over goeun by staring at all these lovebirds do love activities? if they are, then wow, they are even more stupid than she thought. like that's going to help. 

yena is taking a picture of chaeyeon and hyewon making a heart with their hands. her headache makes a sudden appearance. the sunlight is in her eyes and even with the shades on, it hurts. 

some things are meant to be. 

maybe the universe does actually have a plan in store for her. who knows. 

she turns away sharply from the gag worthy sight when yena is kissing hyewon on the cheek (why is she so much more affectionate these days) and stops a woman in her tracks. she utters an apology to the woman that stares at her with a blank face.

of course. 

“chaewon?”

“...”

she pulls her mask down, takes her glasses off. this is… 

absurd. 

“...hi.”

minjoo must work here. in her business slacks. laptop bag on her shoulder. hair in a low ponytail. 

a slight smile rising at the corner of her lips. does she think it's ridiculous too? 

“are you doing some sightseeing?” ”oh, yup! we're having a blast, as you can see.” minjoo laughs at her lack of enthusiasm. “uh, do you work here or..?”

“yeah, i'm here for an on-site project.”

“cool, cool. is your office around here? and wait. first, give me your number.”

“..sorry?”

“i want to keep in contact with you but i have literally no way to, min.”

she pauses for a moment. “...you could've just asked yuri,” and she chuckles. 

_but i wouldn't know if you'd be okay with me messaging you out of the blue then._

“ah, no, my office isn't—, i'm here for my girlfriend.”

chaewon nods. 

absurd. 

irrational. 

ridiculous.

amusing.

“did you guys meet here?”

“yeah, she works as a teacher here.”

she hums, smiling. “she's so lucky to—”

“—chae, oh my god, forget about her already! 

what are you even doing, not having fun?”

yena's voice grows in intensity as she approaches her and hangs an arm around her neck before she notices minjoo. 

“woah, it's kim minjoo!” 

they catch up until minjoo's girlfriend comes to whisk her away.

  
  


-

  
  


_Tell me what you think of this_

_lovely_11_13.mp3_

_21: 52_

  
  


_Hmm_

_It sounds nice but like it needs something extra like_

_A little_

_X factor…? to it_

_22: 17_

  
  


_Ikr_

_But idk what's missing_

_ >>>>:( _

_22: 18_

  
  


_I think you need to bring it together better? Idk_

_Does that make sense_

_Like it needs to sound complete_

_22:18_

_It should… tie together better_

_22: 19_

  
  


_Yup it makes sense_

_22:19_

_I think I can experiment a lil_

_Lemme see what I can do_

_22: 21_

_But later_

_Let's go to the new ramen place in gangnam_

_22: 23_

  
  


_Now?_

_22: 23_

  
  


_Yes now_

_Are you working overtime again or what_

_22: 24_

  
  


_Nope_

_Hmmm I'm at the company tho_

_Will you pick me up?_

_22: 25_

  
  


_Sure_

_Let's ride a city bus tho_

_Wait at the station_

_22: 25_

_Oki oki~~~~_

_22: 26_

  
  
  
  


chaewon feels cold air on her cheeks. she pulls her padded jacket over her shoulders and exhales, there's an itch in her throat and it's been bothering her since the morning. what's the point of air conditioned buses in winter too, it's like they want citizens to get sick on purpose. 

she pulls her hoodie up to block the cold air from her ears. she fights the urge to chatter her teeth. december truly is the worst month of the year. 

at the station, a ball of cotton awaits her with red ears peeking out. she gets off the bus and watches her hug herself tighter when the bus leaves with a gust of wind behind it. minjoo's arms are crossed across her lap, hands under her thighs, moving further downwards till her forehead touches her knees and it doesn't look comfortable at all. 

the red ears peeking out are cute. chaewon stops with a sense of finality in front of her. poking the top of her head. red face, red nose, chapped lips. minjoo looks up to her with a frown on her face, she ushers her to stand so they don't miss the bus to gangnam. “it's so cold…”

“hmm.”

“and they didn't even bother warming up the office a little, you know? i kept my coat on the whole day, i had to keep moving around to…”

chaewon stares at the window as minjoo continues to list out all of her troubles throughout the day. she's tired, so she closes her eyes. she can't see the expressions pass by on minjoo's face, but she hears them because minjoo's intonation is all over the place. she chuckles to herself, quietly. god, her pout even seeps into her voice. she's so cute. 

“minjoo… you talk so much…”

she cracks an eye open to see minjoo stop mid-sentence, blinking before her _hmph._ she can't help but laugh out loud at her reaction. teasing minjoo must be the funnest thing in the world to do. “i'm kidding, kidding. tell me. what happened after hyunjin messed the presentation up.”

it takes a little more coercion until she starts with a reluctant tone. 

“well, what about you? what'd you do today?”

  
  


it's warm inside the shop, so they don't have to be draped in coats the entire night. “i'm kinda craving cheeseballs, to be honest…”

chaewon glares. “joking~” minjoo hits her shoulder when she rolls her eyes.

“hey, yuri told me she's planning to propose soon,”

“wow, really?”

“yeah.”

“it's weird for my sister to get married before me though…” minjoo laughs, her eyes remain on the food and chaewon can't tell. she can't. 

“you better find someone fast, then.” 

their eyes meet for a brief moment. she smiles to herself. 

green lights, white lies. 

there's no telling what illusion is true. 

“i don't think anyone's gonna fall for me that soon.”

“this is good, right? it's better than the place near my apartment, no?”

“yeah, with this price, it has to be…

“but that has more of a homely vibe, y'know. it feels like my mom's cooking there,”

“mhm. are you sure it's not you just holding a busan sentiment or something?”

“hey, it's not like that…”

she pauses for a moment to think. “but it's nice when we go there. your dialect is cute.”

“really?”

minjoo doesn't respond. her body feels hotter from having a meal. warm air on her cheeks, she just stares at minjoo. familiar feelings fill her chest. what is this, an iron deficiency? she starts seeing stars under dim orange lights. “why is it eleven thirteen?”

“huh?”

“your track. _lovely eleven thirteen._ why those numbers?”

“oh,”

minjoo raises her brows at the sinister smile on her face. 

_you don't even know._

“it's a secret.”

she scoffs. “you're no fun.”

“it's no fun if i tell you what it means.”

“whatever. it was nice, though. pleasant to the ears.”

“did you like it?”

“isn't that what i just said?”

“did you or did you not?”

“...well yeah, of course i did. i like it.”

“good.”

“hmm?”

no answers. 

chaewon just smiles. 

it's almost midnight when they leave.

seoul is the best at this time. 

“hey, minjoo…

“let's go get some cheeseballs.”

exasperation. “i was just joking then, chae.”

“well, i'm craving them now. for real.”

“how can you still have an appetite after all that,”

“i worked hard today, i wanna reward myself.”

“fine.

“you're paying, though.”

she chuckles. “alright.”

(it's a secret, but both of them want the other person to kiss them on the cheek as a goodbye and goodnight but neither of them has the courage to do something like that so the night ends in frustration at both themselves and the other person because why do they have to be so cowardly.)

  
  
  
  


//

  
  
  
  


beauty is, this.

beauty is, that. 

beauty is aesthetic (…?)

~~beauty is beyond what we can see~~

beauty is 

subjective?

superficial?

objective?

art is beautiful but beauty is not an art. 

life is suffering find salvation find yourself beneath all this bullshit

oh gosh, no one gives a fuck

and of no one

Kim Chaewon gives the least of fucks

anyone could ever give. 

because now, Kim Chaewon will speak from the heart

these heart words do not care

about any meaning in life or its suffering or all these questions of what is right and what is wrong

these heart words are indifferent to the universe regardless of whether it has meaning or not regardless if karma truly exists or not regardless of any rules and regulations she needs to follow to lead a good life no this heart's words do not give a fuck

heart words are ridiculous irrational preposterous amusing etc.

so now, Kim Chaewon will speak from the heart

please tune in.

  
  


Beauty is Kim Minjoo

Of all things red and all things blue

Kim Minjoo is white and so pure

Kim Minjoo gives beauty to beauty itself

And even in this meaningful/meaningless life, that will always remain true.

She doesn't know how long she's liked Kim Minjoo

How long this fire inside burns

And everyone knows, everyone can see

Kim Chaewon just thinks she's so lovely

And Kim Minjoo doesn't even,

_You don't even know._

I think you're so lovely

You are beauty

B is 2

E is 5 

A is 1

U is 21

T is 20

Y is 25

Yet I won't tell you what it is

11,

13;

You are so lovely

I'll tell you someday

You are so lovely, I will say

But for that,

I think

You and I

We still have to go quite the long way.

  
  
  


//

  
  
  


“why are you so bad at this? don't you have a license?”

chaewon hits the brakes abruptly, taking a moment to frown at minjoo. “driving a two wheeler and a four wheeler is different, okay… at least i have a license. i bet you can't even tell the difference between the accelerator and the brakes.”

“whatever. i don't need to learn how to drive.”

“what? why?”

“i'll make sure i marry someone who can drive and i'll just have them drive me around.”

“oh. good luck finding someone who agrees to that, parasite.”

what is between kim chaewon and kim minjoo? neither of them knows. what is their relationship? neither of them knows. where exactly are they going? actually, they aren't going anywhere. chaewon bought a scooter (basically, a modified moped) so she doesn't have to take the cabs and seoul buses around every time she has to go out. like, living here forces her standard of living to go up. she wanted to practice driving a little so minjoo is there to keep her company and chaewon tries her best to drive safely in this neighborhood right next to her apartment. “chae, didn't you learn how to ride a bicycle? you can't maintain your—”

minjoo's hands squeeze her shoulders until they hurt because the handle starts wobbling out of her control. ”—balance, you really need to learn how to keep your balance.”

“d'you know how to bicycle?”

“yup.”

“wanna give it a shot?”

chaewon tries her best to keep skinship to a minimum in her explanation. she can amuse the thought of back hugging minjoo, letting her arms drape over hers, whispering in her ears on how to control the handle later. 

“are you okay?”

“yea—yeah, so do you get it?”

for now, they have to stand awkwardly in the middle of the street with the scooter between them, chaewon's hands make a motion of twisting the handle again until minjoo swats them away and takes a seat. chaewon follows suit. 

it doesn't seem like a good idea at first because minjoo keeps starting and stopping and she is not going to let this woman ruin her brand new scooter but it gets better after a while. “you're pretty good.”

“yeah, i know, right? i should buy one of these for myself,”

“what about your spouse plan?”

“i'll consider changing it.”

“minjoo.”

“hmm.”

“can i hug you?”

“why?”

“...”

“...”

“...because i'm scared for my life,”

“but you just said i'm good at this.”

“...

“...then i just want to hug you.”

“oh.”

“oh?”

“you can.”

“really?”

“yes.”

some things are meant to be. her arms are around minjoo's waist and she has to bend down a little to rest her chin on minjoo's shoulder. “you're shorter than me when we're sitting.”

“your torso is just longer. and i've got pretty long legs, so…”

they make a circle around the neighborhood before reaching where they started again. minjoo doesn't stop, however, this time taking a left and driving down an alley to the next neighborhood. 

“you know, the moon looks beautiful tonight.”

minjoo laughs. “it's eleven a.m…

and do you even know what that means…?”

“of course i do! it's an idiom.”

“how?”

“it means that even if the sun outshines the moon in the day, the moon is still beautiful.”

“where did you read that?”

“i made it up for myself.”

“what's the fun if you make up your own meaning like that?”

“but that's the fun thing about it...”

minjoo presses for an explanation but chaewon stays silent. 

“you look beautiful today, minjoo. you're outshining the sun too. how are you doing that so effortlessly?”

deceleration. red ears. sunlight on pale skin. “i don't think i should drive anymore.” chaewon laughs. “why, are you losing control?”

she doesn't expect any answers. 

chaewon practices for about an hour more. minjoo doesn't ask if she can hug her but she does, anyway. 

_“the moon is beautiful, isn't it?”_

“what?”

“the moon is beautiful, right? that's the correct phrase. it sounds like i like you in japanese, so people say it to indirectly confess their feelings.”

“oh?”

“yeah.”

“on naver it said i love you, though.”

“really?”

she nods. chaewon parks her scooter next to all the motorcycles in the parking lot and asks if minjoo wants to come up. _of course, it's been forever since i've seen nako._ but they stay there for a while. in the parking lot. twelve p.m on a public holiday, so there's barely anyone outside. 

“can i kiss you?”

“...why?”

she frowns. “why, don't you want to kiss me?”

“...”

“well?”

“i do, but…”

her frown deepens. “what…”

“last time i kissed before we made things official and it turned out horribly. i don't want that to happen with you.”

and it disappears with minjoo's sheer belief in her superstitions. she laughs and minjoo doesn't look pleased with her laughter. “i'll drive you to wherever you want to go, minjoo. the sun, moon, sky, stars, wherever.”

she's bashful. her giggles are cute. the dimples at the corner of her cheek are cute. the way her eyes turn into crescents is cute. the embarrassed voice telling her to shut up is cute. everything is so kim minjoo. everything about her is so lovely. 

“...you can do it.”

“hm.” she grins. “but i won't.”

“why not, hey!” chaewon walks up the stairs in a rushed pace, ignoring minjoo's shouts and calls for her to stop right where she is. 

“because you haven't even made things official yet!”

  
  


(they end up kissing right when nako opens the door, much to her shock, surprise, and utter dismay.)

  
  


(chaewon ponders a lot about her life. what is right, what is wrong. how to live in this world so inexplicable. whenever she tells minjoo of the countless thoughts rushing through her mind, she just smiles to remind her. _it’s not that deep, chae._ it’s not that deep, so don’t worry. you’ve gotta stop thinking so much all the time, all those thoughts are going to hurt your brain.

but what if i’m thinking of you?

oh, then it’s okay. keep that up.)

  
  
  
  
  


+++

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how this ended up being 8k words long like i was aiming for 4k but... got too invested ig  
> and yes always take it easy it's not that deep things will get better with time etc. that is the moral of this story  
> i feel like the shift of chaewon seriously thinking of all these life questions to her spending time with minjoo is somewhat abrupt but i think that sudden shift best represents how their feelings for each other grew "behind the scenes" and that life is shifting rapidly all the time etc etc. 
> 
> ily, muah thanks for reading <3


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